


burning, burning, betrayed

by nonbinarywithaknife (littleboxes)



Series: me sobbing about critical role [43]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Mind Control, Other, PTSD, Perceived Betrayal, Spoilers!, c2 e55 spoilers, caleb's thoughts when he's charmed, charm spells, it aint great folx, so many spoilers here watch yourself, suicidal thoughts (brief but there)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 09:30:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18118037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleboxes/pseuds/nonbinarywithaknife
Summary: caleb, under the demon's charm





	burning, burning, betrayed

**Author's Note:**

> huh this episode HUH wow YEAH shit/fuck/wow OKAY

Caleb steps into the dark cave, and he hears a sultry whisper in his mind. He tries to fight it, tries to force the intrusion from his mind, but he’s not strong enough, he’s  _ never _ been strong, and then,  _ and then _ \- it’s  _ right _ , the whole time, the Nein have been lying to him, they’ve  _ always _ been lying. 

By the time he’s fully been inculcated into the spell’s trap, the rest of the group have entered the cave.

He stares at his  friends \-  _ not _ his friends,  _ never _ have they been his friends- in horror, can’t see the worried looks at his silence for what they are, and casts them as malice instead, sees sneers and glares in place of worried frowns and searching eyes, and he raises an arm. “ _ Hit them before they hit you _ ” he hears, whispered in the back of his mind, and he  _ knows _ that’s right, and a fireball flies from his hand. 

The screams are satisfying, and he can smell smoke and burning flesh, and he thinks “ _ They deserve worse than that. _ ”

He should never have let his guard down, should never have gotten attached, they’ve lured him here to  _ kill him _ . They deceived him with false smiles and hollow promises, brought him deep under a city filled with monsters, and if he doesn’t fight now, he will  _ die _ .

And then- then he gets the proof, that crushes any doubt, and resistance left- they’re throwing spells now, even  _ Nott _ \- she was supposed to be the one that he- he thought- he thought he’d  _ loved _ her, like a  _ sister _ , like  _ family _ , but instead she was a traitor, a  _ betrayer _ , she  _ lied and she deserved to writhe in pain, to be wrapped in his flames, to scream and shriek until she was nothing more than a burned, blackened husk _ -

And then Jester- lovely, joyous, bright,  _ deceitful _ Jester tries to  _ deafen _ him, to take away the very spells that  _ saved _ him, and his breath flies from his chest, and he casts wall of fire, the orange and gold granting a familiar heat and distance from the horrible figures.

He stumbles backwards, and everything is consuming him, the grief, the shock, the pain, and the  _ anger _ . They were supposed to be his friends, he’d thought of them as  _ family _ , and they-

Before he can think anything else, a wall of water  _ slams _ into him from behind and he’s shoved in the direction of his own deadly creation. He can feel the heat start to sear across his face, and all he can think is,  _ and you, Fjord? _ He is pushed closer and closer, and he desperately clings to the rock, his face dangerously close to the flames, and can feel his lungs burning, although he can’t tell if it’s the fire or the betrayal ( _ it’s both _ ).

Caleb is running through his spells in his head, ways to get out, get away, because he can’t fight them all by himself, even though he wants to, wants them to  _ feel _ his pain, when Yasha’s sword- Yasha, who is quiet, and awkward, and someone who he was foolish enough to trust, to think,  _ maybe, maybe we are alike _ \- nicks his ear, her blade just barely whistling past his head, and he can only think,  _ why _ and  _ I should’ve known _ and  _ I thought they were my- _

He has no time to recover, when there’s a sword in his chest, and he can feel the charm spell fade from his mind, and then it all comes crashing down- he can’t move, the weight of his actions crushing him, keeping him as still as the earth surrounding him, he mutters, quietly, to himself in Zemnian, because this can’t have happened, not _again_ , not _again_ , _please gods,_ _no_ , not to _them_ , _anything_ but this- 

His head is shaking, his eyes are closed, and there are no thoughts in his head besides,  _ it happened again- what have I done- I’m a monster- it happened again- what have I done- I’m a monster _

Finally, a shriek breaks him out from his own head, and he drops the spell, like- ha, like he’d been  _ burned _ , and like everything else, he shoves the pain, the shrieking, screaming part of his mind that is  _ wailing _ about his failures, the memories rushing past his eyes, and he takes them and  _ shoves _ them into a dark corner for  _ later _ Caleb to deal with, because right now there are demons and rifts, and a  _ fight _ to focus on;

But before he shoves it all away completely, he mumbles, “I am  _ sorry _ ,” to everyone, to the group, to his parents and to Astrid, even though it is a woefully inadequate, and then he focuses his eyes on the demons and banishes these thoughts and feelings away, away until  _ later _ , and he doesn’t notice how violently he is shaking, or how quickly he’s breathing, because then he’s too busy fading in and out of consciousness, and thinking, breathlessly to himself as he lies on the ground, vision greying, “maybe I  _ should  _ die, maybe I  _ deserve _ this painful, agonizing death, because it is no less than I have caused.”

**Author's Note:**

> i really enjoyed this episode, lots of good good angst opportunites, WHOO


End file.
